I Want to Write a Book (There, I Said It)

There’s something about saying it out loud. Or in this case, writing it down and hitting publish.

I’ve wanted to write a book in phases throughout my entire life. Not just “a book” either. I’ve wanted to build my own fantasy world. With rules, history, maps, all of it. The kind of project you dream about when you’re ten years old, drawing maps on the back of your school notebooks.

And every single time, I gave up before I’d even started.

Not because I tried and it went badly. But because I’d think my way into the conclusion that it wouldn’t be good enough anyway, so what was the point in trying. The idea was never “good enough.” The world was never original enough. And somewhere along the way I decided that writing a book is something other people do. People with the one good idea, the right education and the right kind of talent. Not me.

I think it’s actually something much simpler than a lack of talent. I’ve been afraid of being rejected. Afraid of putting a piece of myself out into the world and hearing that it wasn’t good enough. So instead, I just never tried at all… because then no one can say I failed. They’ll just never know I tried.

The problem is that this pattern isn’t only about the book. It’s the same voice that’s talked me out of trying all kinds of things, not just fantasy worlds. And that’s something I’ve decided I want to stop.

This blog is actually a pretty good example of the opposite. I didn’t plan it carefully. I didn’t map out every category and every strategy in advance, I just started. And the apartment is the same. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, but I do it anyway, a little at a time, without waiting for it to be perfect first.

So maybe that’s how the book has to start too. Not as a project with a goal and a plan and an idea that’s already “good enough.” But as play. The way I used to play with stories and worlds when I was younger, before I started caring whether it was good enough for anyone else to see.

I don’t know if anything will come of this. A year from now I might have a draft, or just a notebook full of ideas I never did anything with. But I know I’m done letting the fear of not succeeding decide that I never even try.

So, there it is. I want to write a book. Maybe I’ll start by just playing around a little.

Until next time, ♡